Get a band aid?

Oh man, I suck at poetry. Poetry should go die in a fire

Okay, well, knowing nothing about sonics and the like, I'll try to give you the best opinion that I can:

I think that the beginning is great, because it makes a unique statement about something: "If it's true that love's only ever lent..."

I like original, deep statements like the one you've started your sonnet off with

That being said, I think that the second line is a bit bland. The verb "give" is just so common. I'm not saying that you have to have to whip out a thesaurus and pick the most extravagant verb, but, lend, toss, rent? Or maybe just scratch the line altogether, and leave it "when love dies." It reads like prose to me, that line, and that's what's bothering me.

The next line "I'll score my heart to remember you by," I definitely do like. It's unique and original, even though heart of course is way way cliche, you say it in an original way like the first line. But "dying love" and lent love is so common by now that you'd have to be like, the best poet in the universe to make it work.

The line "Let calm winds erode us, and feel content" doesn't have anything wrong with it in particular, I just feel like it doesn't really belong there. Between dying love and Kerosene kisses, all of the other images are violent, and morbid, the pain of love lost (I think.) This line just feels like it's made it's way in there from a different poem.

The next (two) lines are my favourite in the poem. "But I've had these acidic bites before--
Their bitter burning cooled. I still want more."

I guess it's because, once again, you said it in a way that I haven't heard a billion times, like "I've had these soul scarring wounds before" or something, but you said it with a fresh image. And the "I still want more" bit gives it a bit more life, makes it sound a bit more active, like the one in the poem is self-loathing, but in a good way. It gives the narrator more personality, I guess. I have a small problem with "bitter burning" though, maybe because I already expect burning to be bitter, since it's obviously not pleasant.

I like the line "I've never stopped seeking out small blisses," too, for the most part, because yet again it says what kind of person the narrator is. But like a large part of this poem, it reads like prose...it's not a very poetic image, I guess?

But for the rest of the poem, I only have this to say: concrete images always, always work better than non-concrete, words like "love," romance, and heart. And I've heard "you've left" so many times before...there's got to be a better way to say it, right?


But you end this sonnet off on a positive note, which is one of the things I like the best about it <3

--
"Let's eat, Grandpa!"

"Let's eat Grandpa!"


Be literate. Save lives.

Yeah, I'm slowly trying to work more poetic imagery into it, but I'm a prose-boy by trade!

I'm not sure if I can think of a better way of saying 'you've left.' I mean, at the end of the day, she has to leave for the poem to work, and any verb is gonna to have been used a lot, plus then I have to change the 'death' line above which, well, is a pain. But I'll give it a good think over.

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<sub>conorschild: overusing commas since '73 seconds ago

~thingsareprettyokay

#getLIT for people who think writing is just tops</sub>